Digging up another shovel-full of dirt, Jerry dumped it in the muddy heap beside him. Rain poured from the heavens, filling the freshly dug hole with congealing brown water and Jerry's eyes with a bleary sting. Jerry ignored the water dripping from his sopping hair, the grit beneath his
nails, and focused on his work. This was probably a stupid idea, but it was too late to stop now. Down, down, deeper and deeper. . .
Jerry saw a jawbone jutting up through the mud and grit and got down on his hands and knees to claw at the dirt. Almost there. Every handful of dirt unearthed more and more of the ghastly apparition: eye socket, half an eyeball, a concave nose. Jerry pulled the dirt out of the corpse's mouth, and the corpse cleared his throat.
“What date is it?” the corpse said.
“April first,” Jerry said. “Two-thousand-four.”
The corpse's opaque, worm-eaten eye looked up at Jerry. His voice, dusty and cracked, said “What question have you for the Answer Man?”
“I wish to know which path in my life to choose,”
Jerry said. “I think my girlfriend wants me to marry her, but I'm not sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just can't decide on my own, and it's tearing me up inside. I need to know which path will give me the most happiness.”
“That is your question?” the Answer Man rasped.
“Yes,” Jerry said.
“It is a terribly petty thing over which you disturb me, little one.”
“I have to know.”
The Answer Man sighed. Something milky leaked out of his eyeball.
“Very well. Are you sure you want your answer?”
Jerry frowned. “Why wouldn't I?”
“You may not get the answer you wish.”
“Give it to me,” Jerry said.
“Very well. Unbury my hand.”
Jerry scrambled to uncover the Answer Man's left hand, digging feverishly through the wet mire. He found a worm-eaten thumb and scooped mud away from around it. A skeletal pointer finger emerged, and then the knobby lower half of a middle finger, and eventually the whole decomposing hand.
Jerry wrapped his own hand around the Answer Man's in a loose grip, trying not to crush the brittle bones.
The Answer Man let out a long, gritty breath. “I cannot tell you of your future, but I can tell you of your present.”
“Uh, okay. Tell me.”
“I see your girlfriend. Melissa, yes? She is in a passionate embrace. It is not yours.”
Jerry's eyes ballooned out. “What?” he cried. “No! Who is the bastard?"
“It is. . . your best friend, Scott,” the Answer Man said.
“No,” Jerry said, gasping. “No! Scott wouldn't do that to me! He wouldn't!”
“I beg to differ,” the Answer Man said. “If you do not believe me, I will give you the proof you require. In two hours, go to the Café Lacey. You will see them sitting at a table eating dinner. They will be laughing and talking of their future together. You are not in that future. When they are finished, they will have a very intimate hug. Melissa will kiss Scott. Then they will go their separate ways and act as if nothing has happened. Ask them where they have been and what they have been doing, and they will both lie to you.”
Jerry ran his muddy fingers through his hair and groaned miserably. “No no no no. . .” he said, standing up straight.
“I have fulfilled my obligation,” the Answer Man said. “Please allow me to return to my dreams.”
Jerry didn't seem to hear him. Turning, he stumbled back through the shaggy trees towards his car.
“I FULFILLED MY OBLIGATION!” the Answer Man yelled after him. Jerry didn't reply.
#
From his table across the restaurant, Jerry watched Melissa and Scott with eyes narrowed and mouth screwed up in rage. How dare they? HOW DARE THEY?!
Melissa laughed and shook her head, her curly brown hair bouncing prettily from shoulder to shoulder. Scott took a sip of wine and smiled merrily at Melissa. Jerry hid behind his menu, only his tousled hair and burning gaze
visible over its top. How could they do this to him? How?
Finally Melissa and Scott stood. Melissa hugged Scott and kissed him lightly on the lips, then they went their separate ways. Jerry sat in his seat for a while longer, his limbs frozen, his mind on fire, and then he, too stood and walked out into the rain.
#
Jerry awoke the next morning with a writhing lump in his heart. Melissa rolled over and kissed him on the cheek.
“Happy birthday, Jerry,” she whispered in his ear.
Jerry didn't reply. Melissa got up and made her way into the bathroom. Jerry stared blankly at the wall, trying not to scream. What was he going to do?
“Where were you last night, hon?” Jerry said. “I wanted to get together for dinner, but I couldn't get a hold of you.”
“Oh, I was out shopping with Fran,” Melissa said, stepping into the shower.
“Oh,” Jerry said, squeezing his eyes tightly closed.
Standing, he pulled on his clothes and stumbled mechanically downstairs. Forgetting breakfast, he grabbed his coat and left the house before Melissa got out of the shower.
Climbing into his car, Jerry turned the key in the ignition and began easing out of the driveway. Before he could get all the way out, however, a car pulled in beside him, honking wildly, and Scott climbed out of his car waving. Jerry grit his teeth as Scott walked around to the side of his car and knocked on his window. Jerry slowly rolled it down and tried to smile at Scott.
“Hey, Scott,” he managed.
“Hey, Jerry!” Scott said. “Happy birthday! Why're you heading out so early?”
“Got things to do,” Jerry said. “Why're you here?”
“I actually just stopped by to ask Melissa something,” Scott said.
“Oh. Well, I have to go, Scott,” Jerry said, unable to look at his old friend any longer.
“Okay,” Scott said. “Talk to you later, Jerry.”
Jerry gunned the gas and was gone.
#
Jerry drove. Just drove. He didn't know where he was going or why he was going there, he just drove. And so, when he turned into the shady, densely overgrown park where the Answer Man lay, he wasn't sure whether he was
surprised or nonplused.
Jerry shifted to park, pocketed his keys, and climbed from the car. Taking a deep breath, he set off for the Answer Man's open grave. Over the chain blocking off access to the park, over the scraggly grass, past the
small lake, and then through the forest.
“You did not fulfill your end of the bargain, mortal,” the Answer Man said as Jerry approached his grave.
“Answer one more question for me and I will bury you again,” Jerry said.He knelt down beside the Answer Man.
“Very well. Ask.”
“What do I do now?”
“There are axes on sale at your local hardware store. I believe you will find them a very reasonable price.”
Jerry nodded, set his chin, and began to fill in the Answer Man's grave.
#
Jerry pulled into his driveway again and flicked off his engine. Scott was still in the house. Good. Reaching over, Jerry grabbed the axe lying on the passenger seat. It was a fine, sturdy axe. Weighty. Sharp. Jerry
used to be quite the pro at chopping wood when he was a kid. It was time to find out if it was just like riding a bike.
Jerry climbed out of the car and ponderously made his way up to his house. Opening the front door, he slipped inside. He heard laughter spilling from the kitchen. Quietly he made his way towards the open doorway. He peeked inside. Melissa was standing on a chair, hanging something up on the ceiling. Scott had his hands on her waist and was looking up at her. Jerry stepped in the room, the axe dangling by his side. Scott looked down at him and his eyes grew wide.
“Jerry? You're home?”
Jerry screamed and ran at Scott, raising the axe high above his head.
“Jerry, no --” Scott said, and then Jerry brought the axe down in a swift, precise arc. Scott collapsed to the ground, the axe firmly embedded in his forehead. Melissa shrieked and fell off her chair, her eyes wide and
staring. Her bottom lip trembled, the color draining from her face.
“You killed him. . .” Melissa whispered.
Jerry placed his foot on his friend's face and pulled on the axe handle. The blade slowly separated from Scott's bisected skull, and when it is free, Jerry turned to Melissa.
“You betrayed me,” Jerry said to Melissa. “I was going to ask you to marry me, but you betrayed me and now look what you made me do.”
Letting out a strangled moan, Melissa scrambled to her feet and turned to run. Jerry swung the axe at her back, severing her spinal column at the base of her neck. Her head flopping the wrong direction, Melissa dropped to
the ground. Jerry left the axe sticking out of his girlfriend's neck, sighed, and looked up at the ceiling, tears in his eyes.
“Now look what you made me do,” he whispered. But then his eyes happened upon the item Melissa had been hanging. He gasped. It was a huge banner. Sprawled across it in big, bright letters were the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
A cold tendril tickling his spine, Jerry tore his eyes away from the banner. His gaze happened upon the kitchen counter where a wrapped package lay. With trembling fingers he untied the ribbon around it and tenderly opened
the paper. Inside was a wooden box. Opening the box, Jerry found a gold Rolex. It must have cost a fortune. Scott and Melissa had to have gone together to buy it.
“I always wanted a gold Rolex,” Jerry said. Then he screamed.
#
Jerry didn't stop to wipe his forehead, though the sweat rolled down it in beads the size of marbles. He knew the police were right behind him. In the distance he fancied he heard dogs barking as the police climbed from their cruisers. Before they caught him, though, he had to know why.
Shoveling faster than he ever had in his life, Jerry unearthed the Answer Man one final time.
As the dogs and their masters tore across the grass and entered the woods, Jerry unburied the Answer Man's head and dropped down on his knees beside the grave.
“What question have you for -- oh, it's you again,” the Answer Man rasped.
The dogs rustled through the trees, coming closer and closer.
“Why did you make me do it?” Jerry asked.
“I made you do nothing. You asked advice, and I gave it to you.”
The dogs were almost upon him. Jerry could hear the police yelling back and forth to each other.
“But. . . but why did you lie to me?!” Jerry cried, sobbing.
“I see him!” a cop said.
“Don't move asshole! You're under arrest!” said another.
“Lean closer,” the Answer Man said.
Jerry leaned down, his head sticking into the grave.
“Closer,” the Answer Man said.
Jerry practically climbed into the grave. The Answer Man chuckled then, a dry, rasping laugh.
“April fools!”
THE END