I recently put a short story of mine out to a few members of my horror writers
group for critique. I asked for bluntness, got differing opinions on it and
two very in-depth critiques that looked more like edits -- or was that vultures
picking
through the bones of a long dead carcass? Anyway, this is a huge thing for
me to get my head around. Am I showing the reader, or telling them? I thought,
for
my first column for Camp Horror, I’d peel back the skull and have a rummage
inside.
For a start, what do I know? I have no novels published; I have no short story
collection due out soon. I’ve won no awards and I’m not telling Mr.
King to move the hell over because he’s blocking my way. Nevertheless,
I have had six short stories accepted by four different editors so I guess I’m
doing something right -- maybe. Consider this excerpt by my good self:
<<
The seat glistened under the glare. Torn strips of blue cloth in differing sizes
lay about the rear seat. The keys were still in the ignition, light sparkling
off the silver metal. Phillip walked around the back of the car, making his way
to the open door. Running the beam along the ground, he illuminated clothing
by the door, almost under the car. Dark pants that looked like police issue,
dark blue women’s underwear heaped in the middle. >>
Two separate people whom I respect have said this is showing. I’ve hoisted
the reader onto Phillip’s back and he’s showing them around the
car. All clear? Shall I stop? Well, the above was not from that little story
mentioned
at the start, but this is:
<<
Edging down the corridor, he felt a chill slip over him. Like a winter wind it
wrapped him, swirling. >>
I’ve been told by one of the critiques I could show this instead of telling
it. And they’re right. So I went back to it and came up with this:
<<
Edging down the corridor, a chill slipped over him. Like a winter wind the cold
enveloped him in an icy grip. It searched for gaps in his clothes like dead fingers
in a raw caress. The voices came with it, edged with terror. >>
Same person came back and said yeah, okay, but you’re telling this from
the ‘Cold’s’ perspective. And you know what, they’re
right. The cold; it searched; voices came with it. So how’s about:
<<
He shuddered as a chill slipped over him. He felt it search gaps in his clothing,
his breath sealed within as icy tendrils glided over his skin, sinking into his
pores, holding him like dead arms in a raw embrace. Voices pierced his ears and
dragged agitation into his brain with their whispered terror. >>
What about now? Do you know what, I'm happy with it but there may yet be someone
who'll say 'nah, not quite'. And this is another piece of advice, don’t
rewrite something too often, in my opinion. Get it until you like it. Rewrite
it too much and you only confuse yourself.
The ‘ing’s have been highlighted in the title to this piece, because
the same critique that quite rightly highlighted my show vs. tell problem,
ruined my story with ing everywhere in red letters -- oh, hang on, I wrote
those, they
were simply drawing my attention. ;o)
<<
Standing, stretching again Andrew rocked with the sway of the train. >>
See what I mean. In the rewrite, I wrote: Andrew stood and stretched, rocked
by the gentle sway of the train. But is there really a problem with -ing words,
or merely the opinion of one person? ‘DoING something while doING something’ is
how it was put; a good way to phrase it and it turned the reader off.
<<
A volunteer nurse found him sitting in bed complaining he was hungry. >>
A double use of -ing words in the above sentence and it doesn’t stand out
so much when not highlighted: the above sentence is from an accepted story due
out sometime this year. The man is doING something while doING something. I’m
not, by any means, knocking the advice I was given in the critique because it
pointed out a lot of flaws that were corrected in the rewrite and the story,
in my most humble of opinions, reads better for it. But, also in my opinion,
-ing words are a matter of opinion. It doesn’t mean they should litter
your work: like alcohol, only in moderation.
I hope this has helped in some way. Listening to advice from fellow writers
always helps me, even if just a little. And a little is better than not at
all. One
more thing about the story I mentioned at the beginning. It was the first story
I ever wrote and was in 1st person. It was critiqued after two or three rewrites
and numerous rejections when it became a different story told in the 3rd person.
Maybe the showing vs. telling and -ing problems stemmed from there? From changing
a 1st person story into a 3rd person story after a full years experience on
what works and what doesn’t (a curve I’m still on the upward swing of,
may I add). In fact, I’m sure they did. The moral of this last piece
of advice: never rewrite the first story you ever wrote after one year of rejections.
If you like the idea, keep it, but write a new story.
Over to you…
Dylan J Morgan
www.dylanjmorgan.com